Joint Compound

Joint compound....smells horrible, is a slimy, gritty, grey sludge...and will make this corner look like a corner again. So glad I watched how my dad did this stuff.

Whew...phase one is now complete. Tomorrow, we sand these walls.

Stay tuned.

Demolition on a quite afternoon.

Being homeowner brings new opportunities that I had never quite imagined.

I bought a house November 2010.

I remember very well the first time I walked into this house. The water, electricity and gas had been shut off. The house had been foreclosed about 3 years prior and had sat empty for 2 years. The condition it was in qualified it as a HUD home. With no electricity we roamed through the house with a small flashlight. I didn't even have a clue what the 4th level basement bedroom looked like since it was so dark and cold. There were mice droppings and dead spiders everywhere. It was obvious the house even when inhabited had been neglected. It was an empty shell, some walls had attempts at paint jobs that were obviously left unfinished. The master bathroom was a horrible brown color (who paints a bathroom brown), the main bathroom was an awful navy blue denim looking color. The remaining walls ranged from a dirty brown, a loud yellow, a toothpaste blue, and purple. The grout in the kitchen was black, which my sweet mom later found out after much scrubbing was really a light color. The carpet was immediately removed and new carpet laid by Ben who worked through Thanksgiving to complete it. It was filthy and the saddest looking house on the street. It seemed empty, hollow and sad. It was perfect. I believed that I could repair both this house and my saddened spirit.

I must say. The decision to buy it has been very worthwhile project. With the help of family and loved ones we have given life back to this house. During this process I have gained even more... a sense of independence, security, and individuality I had never before taken time to acknowledge.

I really enjoy working on our home. My latest project...the downstairs bathroom. It had this kind of ugly brown paneling on the wall. Another project that had probably been well thought out but was never quite finished by the previous owner. This wood has always bothered me. It was unfinished wood, and was hastily hung. Some trim was missing and it was going to need to either be repaired and painted or just removed. But it was livable and certainly not high on the priority list when we first moved in.

Having several weeks off from work for the Christmas holiday because my work is closed. I had decided before the break to do some indoor projects that I had put off during the summer months. After the Christmas celebration had been cleaned up I decided to tackle the hallway on the 3rd level. I have several projects on my list but I started with a pretty easy one. Painting the trim and doors. While painting the door frame to the bathroom I kept staring at that ugly wood paneling. It was then and there I decided to do some bathroom demolition. Twenty minutes later I stood back to assess the damage. With a sigh of relief I realized it was not quite as bad as I had imagined. The removal of the paneling, having been carted off to the dumpster by Ben (my friendly handyman), had also removed the funky mildew smell. The walls have no major sheet rock damage, and can easily be filled and sanded. Although this was not something I had planned to do... I suddenly saw before me an empty pallet with endless possibilities...

I look forward to tomorrow. Let the fun begin.

a little piece of our world....

I decided to change the direction of this blog. Over the past 2 years it has served the purpose of sharing Dustin's battle against lung cancer and my first year of widowhood. A new leaf has turned and I find myself ready to simply share my thoughts on...well... pretty much everything.

I look forward to sharing with you.

Happy Birthday

You turned 33 today. I wonder what great inventions you would have thought up this last year. What songs you would have written and recorded. What adventures we would have had. I feel you with me always. I see you in the beautiful colors God sends in the sunrise and sunset. I feel your laughter on the wind. I feel your arms around me in the gentle breeze through the window at night. I remember moments and find myself laughing.

We miss you. Thank you for helping me find a new church, for encouraging to pray even when I felt so lost. Thank you for your patience and grace that helped me find my way back. God is taking good care of us...of course you already knew that. :)

My heart will always feel your absence, my life will never be the same...
I will see you when my work is finished...Until then, I love you forever and always.

Remind Dylan that we love him.

Mandy

The eyes of a father and the heart of a child

Happy Father's day to all of you who have had the privilege to be a father.

To my own dad who as we speak is driving back in the rain to Colorado after 4 days at my house to help me with my bigger "to do" list. He has always been willing to put aside what he needs to do hop in the car and get to one of his kids when we need help. He is an amazing dad, who has shared so many memories with me. From pulling us down the street in the sled, driving me home after gymnastics, fishing, camping, and boating to being there when each of my children were born, moving me on more than one occasion and our latest weekend of building a fence and then replacing the plate lights on the Hyundai. I am very lucky to have amazing parents and fond memories of a very happy childhood.

To the father of my children, Scott. You are my dearest friend. Sometimes I wonder how you have put up with me for all these years because I know it hasn't been easy. You are a great dad and I appreciate you each and every day, even when I don't say it.

To the other men in my life who I look up to as dads, Fred Matney (who spent an entire Saturday on my roof installing a swamp cooler), you are not only a dad to me, but were a wonderful dad to Dustin. To my grandfathers who I miss dearly. To my brother Chris. I am so proud of what a great job you are doing. To my brother Adam, while you don't have kids yet, you possess such wisdom that sometimes I feel I can call you and just talk to you as though you have many years of experience. To Jim, my father-in-law, you are stronger than you know. To James, and Bill and all the men in my life, thank you for being the people you are...

I have found that the rain seems fitting today. I didn't think that today would be anything more than my dad going home, my kids going to Scott's, and me cleaning up after a long weekend of hard work. But this rain has brought different emotions. They are tears from heaven. I like to think they are Dustin's tears. Washing away the sadness that seemed to settle over me earlier today. They are his tears as he looks down on these kids. Always proud. He was an incredible dad. The kids and I were always first in his life. I don't remember too many times even when he was sick that Dustin wasn't at some activity or another that these kids had. I remember Landon's last soccer game last year. It was about 3 weeks before Dustin died. And Dustin was on the sidelines with his cane cheering Landon on. His cell phone was always put away when the kids or I were with him doing something that we thought was important, he wanted us to know he was completely focused on us. You always had Dustin's undivided attention no matter how small the task or accomplishment was. There was never anything that Dustin wouldn't have done for these kids. Much like our own Father in heaven. I am reminded of the profound affect he had on my kids in just listening to them talk and watching them grow up.

I find that today I miss Dylan even more than most days. I believe that the eyes of his father are constantly looking down on him. I hope that Dylan holds securely in his heart the memories of his incredible dad. I hope that he grows to be like him in every way. I pray he remembers how much his dad loves him.

It's another day...gosh I miss him.

A battle with faith.

I have been battling with my faith over the last 11 months. Me who had such a strong knowledge that God was right there with us helping us through Dustin's cancer. After he died something inside of me started pulling away. I blamed it on the distance for a while. Being that it now takes us 35 minutes just to drive one way to church on Sunday morning after our move. In the winter it was the weather. Some mornings it was just lack of energy to even get myself out of bed. Today, I sat in my kitchen, completely dressed and ready to go to church, I sat at the kitchen table eating a cold leftover waffle from yesterdays breakfast and I stared at flowers I bought Dustin....I sat there until it was too late to take the drive all the way to Kaysville. The entire time the same battle continued in my mind. The question of faith. No matter how may people tell me it was God's will, or God needed Dustin, or it was just his time...(which might I add, I know people mean well, but it doesn't ease the pain of what a person is really experiencing)I still want to stand in front of God with my hands on my hips and ask him to explain himself. Perhaps that seems blasphemous to some, but I feel I have always had a close enough relationship with God to be able to sit down and have a real heart to heart talk with him about this.
I try to sometimes. But I find myself not ready to listen.

I realized that many of our friends and family from the church Dustin and I held so dear may not fully understand what has happened to the Hutt family. We are still here, minus 2. God said to help the widows and children. But I must apologize that this widow has always been pretty independent, somewhat proud and has a really hard time asking for help and reaching out to others, even family.

In my struggle with faith, I have considered finding a church that is a bit closer to home so distance can no longer be an excuse. But that also makes me feel like I have abandoned my Elevation family.

This has been the ultimate battle of my faith. Perhaps God is waiting for me to be okay with all of this and continue down my spiritual journey. Perhaps he is knocking and I am not listening. Perhaps he just is waiting for me to be ready again.

Dustin had such a strong faith. He was passionate about his faith. He was secure in it even when he reached the last moments. I am sure he is in the presence of God. It is faith like his that should inspire others to believe as strongly as he did. His faith was selfless. He shared it with everyone he came in contact with. And it amazes me that he had only dedicated his life to God just a few years before we married. I wish I could follow his lead. But it is hard to when his leaving left such a crater in my life. I keep battling. I have no idea where I am in my faith right now. I believe in God. I always have. I have just lost my way when it comes to connecting with Him.

April 2011

I haven't been on here in so long. I haven't known what to say all these months. I kind of shut myself off from the world. It was 10 months Thursday since my earth angel and best friend took his last breath. While the world continues on around me in a blur, I can recollect little of it. I am sorry if I have closed myself off.

The kids are good. They are only a month away from wrapping up another school year. They keep me busy and my spirits afloat.

My thoughts are with all of you.

Mandy